Things I think about things
mind.in.a.box’s new album Retaliation was released today!
Also, if you haven’t read them yet, check out my analyses of mind.in.a.box’s music, themes, and cyberpunk storyline on my main website. These are what I was working on for the past month and half. Unlike the silly “reviews” I write here, I actually put some work into them. 😀
mind.in.a.box: Crossroads is not about amnesia
mind.in.a.box: From Hadwiger to Kreger
You can also find my silly review of Retaliation here.
Audible had been continuously hawking the Harry Potter full-cast editions at me. I didn’t know what else to spend my credits on. Plus, I’d just listened to the AI-generated slop audiobook True Crime Stories You Won’t Believe: Omnibus Edition and needed to cancel it out with some decent narration. So I decided to give them a try.
They were so good! They’re like listening to unabridged Harry Potter movies with a music score and sound effects. Lines are delivered with perfect comedic timing and dramatic flair. Usually, full-cast audiobooks are more like radio plays where there’s no narrator, only character dialogue and sound effects, which sometimes gets confusing. These audiobooks, however, have a narrator. Everything in the books is in the audiobooks.
I’m of Kiera Knightly’s opinion that I don’t care what J.K. Rowling has said. How cool is it that seven 8- to 26-hour-long, full-cast, fully narrated audiobooks exist? Such things could only exist if someone has a lot of money and a large fanbase to support it.
The only parts of these audiobooks that lost me were the fight scenes. These tended to be heavy on action music and sound effects, sometimes threatening to drown out the narrator. Even without that, I lost track of what was happening. I don’t think my getting lost is specific to these audiobooks though. It’s often a problem I have with audiobooks in general. The problem was more pronounced when it happened with these books though because the rest of these books were so good.
Additionally, sometimes it sounded like one or two of the actors in a scene got the shitty microphone. They sounded inappropriately muffled or distant in comparison to everyone else. This happened most often in the first two or three books, however, where I was listening to them with one earpiece. For most of the rest of the books, I used two earpieces and didn’t notice the same problem. Perhaps it was an issue with the audio balance or my phone failing to recognize that I was only using one earpiece.
Besides those two minor issues, these books were great! So good! Below are some thoughts I had on each specific book.
I wonder if the opening scene from Mr. Dursley’s perspective was added to this edition. Or the moment where all the houses sung a song in the Hogwarts’ great hall.
*looks it up in a physical copy of the book* Oh, they exist! The houses singing a song was pretty awkward, so it makes sense it was in the full-cast edition because it was in the book.
I didn’t catch anything strange going on with Ginny except for in one scene. Listening to it a second time, I caught the hints better though. Maybe it was easier to read the hints in the first book because I remembered Professor Quirrell was the culprit.
Here are a couple quotes (perhaps paraphrased) that I thought were hilarious and well delivered:
“There is no Harry Potter here! Never call this number again! Stay away from my family!”
“Do something about your hair!”
I don’t remember Harry’s father being an Animagus. Then again, I also don’t remember Crookshanks.
The explanation for Sirius Black and Peter Pettigrew seemed convoluted like the characters were saying the same thing in different ways repeatedly. I wonder how different the movie was from the book, specifically how many things it changed to make explaining Sirius concise.
All the characters’ voices dropped at the same time, even Colin Creevy who isn’t even in Harry’s grade.
Hedwig looked EXTREMELY offended. A lot of people are extremely something in fact.
Harry doesn’t solve how to open the egg or how to swim underwater for an hour on his own. In fact, he has the answer spelled out for him or given to him. *continues listening* Oh, that was intentional!
Harry Potter’s voice actor can’t scream in pain to save his life.
Dumbledore mentions the room of requirement. Teasers for the Order of the Phoenix!
I remember Order of the Phoenix being my least favorite in the series to read, but for whatever reason, it’s my favorite of the full cast editions. The understandability of the ending fell apart a little, but otherwise, I loved this rendition and immediately wanted to listen to the whole thing again. Maybe it’s the level of misery Harry is subjected to. He may not be able to scream in pain, but Harry’s voice actor can play the hell out of an angsty teenager.
I wonder if there were hints in previous books that Aunt Petunia cares more about the wizarding world than she claims.
What qualifies someone to be a prefect or a best boy or best girl? Are they just Professor Dumbledor’s arbitrary favorites?
Kiera Knightly played Dolores Umbridge? I didn’t recognize her!
“Wotcher” means “What are you up to?” or “What cheer?”
I think Harry’s theories are wrong in every book except this one. In this one, he’s right about everything… about Snape and Malfoy at least.
Did Harry always have a relationship with Ginny in this book? *looks it up in a physical copy* He did! I always recall his marriage to Ginny coming out of left field, but reading this book again, it’s fitting. It’s probably just the movies where it doesn’t make sense.
For how much Harry likes Quidditch, he never gets to play it for a full school year. In book 1, he was hospitalized after fighting Voldemort. In book 2, Quidditch was canceled because the monster from the Chamber of Secrets had petrified so many people that the school was locked down. In book 3, Harry was harassed into unconsciousness by dementors (although I think he actually did finish the season). In book 4, Quidditch was canceled to make way for the Triwizard Tournament. In book 5, Professor Umbridge bans Harry. In book 6, he gets detention for cursing Malfoy and misses the last Quidditch game. And in book 7, he doesn’t go to school. That sucks.
I imagine Harry’s voice actor had fun impersonating other characters for The Seven Harry’s chapter. The actors probably had fun impersonating main characters throughout the book actually.
Killing Fred, Tonks, and Lupin? That’s brutal.
There’s always a scene toward the end of a Harry Potter book where everything is explained. It seems like a comfort provided to the reader that everything will always make sense in the end. I’m sure people who get pissed off by explanatory scenes would be pissed off about it though.
Harry’s parents died in 1981, which means Harry was born in 1980… 80s nostalgia strikes again!!!
Hermione, Harry, and Ron’s voices dropped again as adults. Weird. Why would the audiobook creators decide to do that?
Dark, a German Netflix series, was pitched to me as the antithesis of Stranger Things Season 5–well planned, dense, and thoughtful in comparison to action and nonsense said repeatedly to cater to the second-screen generation. Dark features an ensemble cast of characters who discover they are trapped in a time loop in which events repeat every 33 years. Among other past and future years, it takes place in 2019, 1986, and 1953, hitting the nostalgia and atmosphere of both the 80s and the 50s as is popular in media these days.
How did this time loop happen? In the present year 2019, one of the protagonists Jonas discovers that he is the son of his love interest Martha’s 11-year-old missing brother Mikkel. Mikkel went through a hidden portal in a cave where he found himself trapped 1986. Meanwhile, another boy Mads from 1986 goes through the portal and reappears in 2019 dead with his eyes and ears exploded, intriguing other 2019 characters who knew Mads as a boy. Mikkel would grow up to become Jonas’ father, making his sister Martha Jonas’ aunt. Distraught that he and Martha can’t be together, Jonas becomes determined to rescue Mikkel or otherwise stop the time loop from coming to be.
Despite how it was pitched, I spent most of Dark waiting for something to happen. Yes, yes, there’s a time loop. Then, what happened? Ultimately, the entire show is the most frustrating manifestation of pointless, space-time continuum bullshit I’ve ever seen. The first season features the 2019 cast of characters discovering and investigating the time loop and the portal. At the end of the season, Martha is murdered in front of Jonas by his future self (for reasons) just as another Martha from another dimension appears and takes 2019 Jonas to her world. The alternate 2019 is the dimension where everyone has cleft pallets and emo hair… I mean, it has an identical but slightly different cast of 2019 characters who discover and investigate the time loop and the portal… as if the creators had given up on the first dimension and were rebooting the story in another. It reminded me of that quote from Fairly Odd Parents: “It’s the show about nothing! …How do we know when it’s over?” Instead of “it’s the show about nothing” though, it’s the show where every season is the same plot and same discoveries but taking place in a slightly different world.
Several reiterations of the same explanation later, we thoroughly understand that yes, yes, Martha and Jonas are the origin of the time loop, Adam and Eve, and there is no escape. Then, what? Our 2019 protagonist Jonas is then murdered in front of alternate dimension 2019 Martha. I nearly rage quit when her future self reveals that Martha and Jonas still have an opportunity to be together. There are two timelines in their alternate dimension: one in which Jonas went to their dimension and one in which he remained in the original 2019 dimension from season one. So his death is meaningless, and we go back to the original world’s 2019 where we left off at the end of season one. The creators can reboot this show with as many timelines and dimensions as they want without consequence!
I probably should have rage quit because nothing ever did happen, although I suppose the time loop did end. It’s a clever idea somebody discovering that they are the son of a boy who has just gone missing, yes, but then what? All the show had to do was explain the dead birds and why Mads’ eyes and ears exploded.
If you do watch it, however, German with subtitles is superior to dubbed.
Black Phone 2 takes place four years after The Black Phone and features the same characters and child actors, now four years older. This I thought was really cool, both the growth of the actors and the realistic treatment of the characters in the aftermath of their experience with the serial child murderer the Grabber. Naturally, Finney is scarred, self-medicated, and angry from his kidnapping and imprisonment and having to murder his tormentor to escape. The caring and protective relationship he and his sister Gwen have, however, has also grown. When Gwen begins having the same dreams their mother had about a series of murders that took place at Alpine Lake Camp in 1957, Gwen with Finney in tow travel to the Colorado mountain camp to find the missing bodies and uncover a mystery regarding their mother’s suicide.
Watching Black Phone 2 made me want to rewatch The Black Phone. It looked like it was really good, which it was once I revisited it. The first half of Black Phone 2 is also good and has the same realism and subtle supernatural elements as its prequel. Unfortunately, the second half falls into the common trope many horror movies do where the ending gives up on living up to its expectations and devolves into ridiculousness.
Throughout the movie, Gwen is tormented in her dreams by the perpetrator of the 1957 murders, who turns out to be the Grabber. His spirit has returned from death, and he reveals that he can harm and even kill her in her dreams. Eventually, Gwen overpowers him in her sleep by lucid dreaming. Gwen’s found ability to overpower him in her sleep somehow translates to her having this ability to do so in reality where his spirit has been gaining power from the missing bodies of murdered campers. This leads to Gwen being overpowered and undefeatable by the final fight scene, which also features the Grabber on ice skates and imagery suggestive of a horse-drawn Zamboni.
Alpine Lake Camp also has an identity crisis. The camp and counselors are all constructed as if it were going to be a typical summer camp. One of the camp counselors even has a stereotypical Texas drawl. It’s the dead of winter, however, and it’s miserable outside to the point where the camp is canceled due to road conditions. It’s so miserable in fact that it’s hard to believe the camp is located in Colorado. My friends and I kept wanting to say the characters were in Alaska. It wouldn’t have been out of place for the Texan counselor to say, “I’m just a Texas girl in the wild Alaskan mountains of Colorado.”
I watched The Black Phone back when it came out in 2021. Between then and now, it became buried in my memories among so many other horror movies my friends and I have watched, although I remembered it being really good. When I watched Black Phone 2 recently, my main thought through the whole movie was, “Man, The Black Phone looks like it was really good.” I’ve since revisited it.
It’s a shame that I forgot about it because it is indeed really good. The protagonist, 13-year-old Finney is kidnapped and held in a basement by a psycho, serial child killer known as the Grabber. Finney has subtle psychic abilities that allow him to communicate with the spirits of the Grabber’s previous victims, all of whom give Finney suggestions on how escape the basement. Finney’s younger sister Gwen also has subtle psychic abilities, which she uses to lead the police to Finney’s location.
The film is plausibly supernatural and realistic in a satisfying way. Finney and Gwen’s abilities have limitations and never make them superhuman. The film’s ghosts are subtly horrifying, not screaming, throwing people or objects across the room, or jump-scaring the audience. The Grabber has the sense that his house is haunted, but the spirits never rise up in a ridiculous show of revenge. I appreciate a film that treats ghosts more realistically. Ultimately, Finney escapes the basement and even kills his tormentor by his own cleverness and physical strength in a plausible way. The film’s supernatural elements, while they are key to Finney’s escape, don’t overshadow the story, the characters, or the ending.
Spoilers! Its plot twists are great as well. The Grabber’s brother, who is obsessed with finding the Grabber and even lives in the same house, is briefly entertained as Finney’s savior until his idiocy gets him killed. As another example, Gwen and the police discover a house with a dirt basement unlike the one most of the movie takes place in. This basement contains the Grabber’s buried victims. The audience is briefly led to believe that Finney is dead and buried among these bodies, and the scene of him overpowering the Grabber was a dream too good to be true. This makes it all the more satisfying when Finney walks out of the house across the street, the house with the basement where the Grabber tortured his victims.
Considering the only Nintendo console my family has or I have owned was a Game Boy Color, I have very rarely played Mario Party or Mario Kart games. Having acquired a Nintendo Switch 2, however, one of my friends gave me their Nintendo Switch. This was so that I could play Mario Kart 8 with six of my friends to celebrate another friend’s birthday.
That’s how I learned how many of Final Fantasy VII: Rebirth‘s minigames are rip offs of Mario Kart games. That just makes them seem even more pointless to put in a Final Fantasy game. If I wanted to play Mario Kart, I would have just played Mario Kart!
“So Odysseus is like a passionate, powerful military leader able to keep a campaign going for ten years. And he has all the charisma of a desiccated, mold-filled soap dish.”
Despite killing a major character and disappearing another within the first ten pages, Eldest by Christopher Paolini is much slower than its predecessor Eragon. No more do paragraphs summarize weeks worth of events. The book occasionally, however, forces odd topics into character conversations. I can almost hear Paolini saying, “I need these characters to talk about this thing now.”
Another enhancement is that Eldest has multiple narrators. Eragon and his adopted brother Roran are the primary narrators. Nasuada, the leader of the Varden resistance, also narrates a couple chapters, but it feels random, like she’s a narrator only because Paolini found no other way to introduce important characters and concepts. I also had the feeling that Roran was a narrator to slow the book down and prevent Eragon from plowing through the plot as he had in the first book, but overall, the pair of them swapping chapters as narrators feels fitting and intentional.
I believe Paolini also reveals himself as a fan of Weird Al Yankovic’s UHF when a side character exclaims, “Barges? Barges? We don’t want no stinking barges!” It sounds so out of place and suspiciously similar to a quote from UHF, that it has to be an allusion to, “Badgers? Badgers? We don’t need no stinking badgers!”
As my final random thought… I’ve read Eldest at least three times now. I’ve always accepted that it made sense for the elves to reject eating meat. It was an admirable lifestyle even. I’ve since been spoiled, however, with keto and lion diet ideology, fitness nutrition, and conservative talking points. How can the elves possibly get enough protein from plants to maintain their inhuman strength? They would need to have industrial-level production of soy and beans. Even Mark Boyle, who recounted his experience living off the land and rejecting modern technology in his autobiographical account The Way Home, conceded that he had to give up his vegetarian diet and eat meat to survive. He would no longer have access to all those canned beans and soy products from distant lands to supplement his vegetables. I suppose the elves have magical abilities that include speeding up and manipulating the growth of plants, but it’s still ridiculous. I’ll save most of my complaints about this point for the next book in the series Brisingr though, where Eragon’s choice to also abstain from eating meat makes even less sense.
An omnibus is a volume containing several novels or items that were previously published separately. In the introduction to True Crime Stories You Won’t Believe: Omnibus Edition, author Romeo Vitelli justifies his choice of publishing the book as an omnibus by claiming that together his books form a more coherent whole. Each book is a collection of assorted true crime stories based on posts from Vitelli’s blog. If he means that together they form a more complete history of all crimes that have ever been committed, I suppose.
His writing reminds me of David Paulides’ Missing 411 series in which he chronicles missing person cases with strange circumstances and commonalities and seemingly supernatural elements. At the end of each case, he has a tendency to insert himself as the researcher, tying the case to similar cases, reiterating his confusions or amazement with the circumstances, or describing his frustrations with the authorities. It comes off as amateurish and repetitive. While Vitelli isn’t as egregious in self-referencing his research efforts, his writing still sounds amateurish. His style is inappropriately belittling and informal for the subject matter. Using phrases and words like “somehow” and “for some reason,” it’s like listening to a narrator who finds his own stories and the people in them ridiculous.
What attracted me to listen to True Crime Stories You Won’t Believe, however, was the narrator “Virtual Voice,” a computer-generated narrator for audiobooks as Audible explains. I’d never listened to narration produced by AI and was curious what it sounded like.
Well… with all the time they saved by having AI read a 17-hour-long audiobook, they could have at least listened to it and revised their prompts accordingly. Or maybe the producer of True Crime Stories You Won’t Believe did listen to it and, despite all the pronunciation inconsistencies and other signs of Virtual Voice lacking comprehension of the English language, decided to dump it on Audible anyway.
Here are a few highlights:
Virtual Voice pronounced EEG (electroencephalogram) as “eeeeeeg.”
A few stories included excerpts from song lyrics or poems. Virtual Voice ended each line with a verbal “slash” rather than a pause.
Vitelli snarkily wrote something like, “Why would he be there in the first place?” Virtual Voice read this as if “the first place” was an actual place rather than a phrase.
“etc. etc.” was pronounced as “Et See. Et See.”
One story featured a legend about wendigos. It also featured every possible pronunciation of “wendigo”: WENdigo, wenDIgo, WINdigo, etc.
Caffeine: How Caffeine Created the Modern World is an audiobook written and narrated by Michael Pollan that I forgot I’d listened to and Audible kept hawking it at me. So, I’ve listened to it twice now. Oh, you want to know the content? It tells the story of, as the subtitle suggests, how our population’s addiction to and dependence on caffeine created the modern world.
A fact about caffeine that I’ve always remembered since my first listen to this book: because of low water quality in the past, boiled coffee or tea was one of the safest things to drink alongside alcohol. People were more likely to live if they drank caffeine, helping to perpetuate its addictiveness.
Another fun fact: the minute hand of the clock was introduced alongside caffeine.
I don’t drink coffee, energy drinks, soda, or caffeinated tea. My caffeine primarily comes from chocolate, but I doubt my daily fix contains enough caffeine to compare to that consumed by caffeinated beverage drinkers. The world seems fast to me. There’s always a billion things to do. In some ways, I do a billion things everyday, but in other ways, I look at other people and feel incredibly slow. I tend to think that I process some information slower that other people; I prefer to process some information slowly and completely; I need more recharge time in comparison to other people; or I get slowed down by perfectionism and anxiety. After reading this book a second time, however, I wonder if the world seems fast because so many people are drinking caffeine and genuinely doing more than people who abstain from it like me could possibly do.